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Don't you agree?

Redesign is looking pretty smashing

I've been diagnosed as clinically depressed, although in reality I've known for a while. In all honesty, I've probably been depressed in some form or another for about two years now. This has all really come to a head after what happened between me and my (now ex) girlfriend. Long story slightly shorter, she had a long term, long distance relationship with a guy from a shit hole I've never been and will now never go. She told me, after about two to three days of talking to one another that she was having problems in her relationship. I tried to be a friend and help her, and then she started to be more open. We really got talking and I began to really like this girl. She was exactly what I wanted and needed. I mean, she was perfect, I genuinely felt like I met the girl of my dreams. She told me she had broken up with her boyfriend. Again I try and help. We get closer and eventually say that we should go for it, but slowly. I was fine with this, if anything, she broke up with him for me! I felt wanted, which was almost... alien to me. I knew I was decent looking and had confidence, but the feeling of being genuinely wanted was odd. I mean, I've had prior girlfriends but they were more flings, like physical attraction alone. I really felt something different this time, something, someone, I really, genuinely cared about. I didn't want to fuck this up in other words. Contrary to our previous plans, she and I went FAR too quickly. We did things I sure as fuck now regret, I mean I would give anything to rewrite the past. We were still getting closer, and we eventually said the I love yous to each other. It was a huge step, and I felt I really had a future with this girl, I mean, I've never really looked into the future too much, it almost scares me. Then she started getting distant, and didn't want to kiss or hold hands or anything. I first thought she was ill, then angry, so I gave her space. She then tells me that she still loves her boyfriend, and she wants to be friends. Two fucking days after she said I love you, though not the first time she said it. It tore my heart right out of my chest. All those memories now fucking me over, again and again in my mind, tormenting and torturing me. I tried to give her space, and she got it. About a month passed and I didn't contact her, trying to show I could wait, clinging on to some hope. All the time though, all the while, I was fucking angry. I kept wondering if she just used me to fix her broken relationship, to get some excitement into her life and then just discard me. I kept thinking whether anything she told me had been true, whether anything she did was from the heart or just a necessary step in her plan. We get back to our everyday lives and such and then I try and initiate conversation, just conversation. Again she seems distant, not wanting anything to do with me. Weeks pass and I start to cut myself. The first time I've ever done such a thing. No planning, just impulse. I'd cut not too deep, but just slashing both arms, about ten times. It wasn't the blood or the scars; it was the sting I was looking for. I wanted to feel that sting. I did this for weeks, with a kitchen knife, and it became a sort of release. Eventually I lost hope. Everyone does in the end. I lost hope; I had nothing to cling to, nothing to live for. This, naturally, led to my attempted suicide, two weeks ago on the 26th January 2012. If it were not for the shoddiness of the material in my tie, I wouldn't be typing. In fact, I don't even know why I'm typing this. It helps I guess. I can't let go though. I can't let go because everytime I think I've got over it, I realise quite how much I still love, how much I still care. It's fucking me over, and will continue to do so until I can find a way past this. I guess you can call this a plea for help as much as anything.

I took this picture exactly a month ago.

So I'm Depressed. (Kinda NSFW)


2011-05-17 15:22:36 by Rude-Awakening



How the American users (the vast majority) keep making these China threads and how they're going to 'overtake' them. I don't really see the point; if it's going to happen, it's going to happen, and there is pretty much nothing we can do about it.

Also, 'The People's Republic of the World' certainly has a ring to it.

Want a name change...

2011-03-05 23:20:58 by Rude-Awakening

This one has grown tiring.

I have returned.

2011-02-27 21:24:35 by Rude-Awakening

Prepare for penetration.

Arsenal 2-1 Barcelona.

2011-02-16 19:32:52 by Rude-Awakening

I was there. Superb.



Arsenal 2-1 Barcelona.

Got to 2K

2011-01-01 23:17:28 by Rude-Awakening

...and there's no satisfaction.

Hello NG,

2010-12-23 18:30:54 by Rude-Awakening

I was listening to some of my parents music collection (pre-christmas party), and remembered this gem. I honestly love this song.

/* */

Dear God...

2010-12-19 20:12:38 by Rude-Awakening

I love you. All of you.